WARNING - By their nature, text files cannot include scanned images and tables. The process of converting documents to text only, can cause formatting changes and misinterpretation of the contents can sometimes result. Wherever possible you should refer to the pdf version of this document. FRONT COVER OUT AND ABOUT! SUPPORTING PEOPLE WITH LEARNING DISABILITIES AROUND SAME-SEX RELATIONSHIPS Images: A man thinking about another man and a woman thinking about another woman. Image: partners in advocacy logo PAGE TWO blank PAGE THREE WHAT THIS BOOK IS ABOUT Image: two girls with arms about each other Sometimes people feel attracted to (fancy) people of the same sex as themselves. Some women who are attracted to other women call themselves lesbian. Some men who are attracted to other men call themselves gay. Image: two men with arms around each other But sometimes people don't want to use those words. They might not want another "label". Or they might not understand what the words mean. So we are using the words "same-sex relationships" instead of lesbian or gay. Partners in Advocacy wanted to know how advocates could support people with learning disabilities who might want to have same-sex relationships. Image: people sitting discussing ideas We did some research to find out what people thought about people with learning disabilities having same-sex relationships. We asked groups of people what they thought might be the problems - and what might help. This report is about the things that we found out. We hope that it helps to make things better for people with learning disabilities who want to have same-sex relationships. PAGE FOUR WHAT THINGS MIGHT BE DIFFICULT These are the things that might be difficult for seomone with a learning disability who wants a same-sex relationship: Prejudice (thinking bad things about people who are different) Some people - including other people with learning disabilities - think bad things about people who have same-sex relationships. People can say and do hurtful things. Image: two boys shouting names (poof, queer) at another boy Also lesbians, gay men and bisexual people may be prejudiced against people with learning disabilities. Lesbian and gay bars and other places might not be very friendly towards people with learning disabilities. Sometimes people don't mean to be hurtful - they just don't know enough. How people feel about themselves Image: a girl saying to another girl, "you're bad!" When people get told bad things about themselves, sometimes they believe it. So if people are told that gay relationships are bad, they might feel bad about themselves if they think they might be gay. They might feel that it's "diry". They might not have anyone to tell them it's OK. Some things have got better over the years. Gay people are treated better. But if people got told off a lot of years ago, they may still think it is wrong. If people are not told good things - and if they don't get the chance to practice - they don't learn to be confident. They don't learn how to have relationships. PAGE FIVE Not being able to meet people People might not be able to get out to meet people to have a relationship with. - They might not know where to go, or have anyone to go with. - They may not have money or transport. - Places may not be accessible. - They might not want to tell their carers where they are going. - they may not be able to make private phone calls. Images: a girl in a wheelchair, four coins, a bus. This is true for all people with learning disabilities - but it is much worse for people who want a same-sex relationship. There is very little support for people with learning disabilities who want same-sex relationships. Partners in Advocacy has the only group - it's in Edinburgh. Not having information No-one talks much about same-sex relationships so it's difficult. - People might not understand what their feelings mean. - No-one may ever have talked to them about what "gay" is. - They might not ever have met a gay person - or they might now know that someone is gay. - They might not know how to find out about being gay. - Information may not be easy to understand. - They might not know where to go to meet gay people - or what to do in a lesbian or gay place. PAGE SIX How people think about people with learning disabilities having sexual relationships People often think that people with learning disabilities don't have sexual feelings, and don't want relationships. - They might not believe someone, or take them seriously - especially if they say they want a relationship with someone of the same sex. - They might not get good sex education. - They may not be allowed to take risks and find out about things. - They may even get told off for being sexual (like kissing or touching someone) Image: a girl saying to another girl, "don't be silly...you can't be a lesbian!" Being scared of telling people Because of all the things we have talked abaout, people might be scared of telling anyone that they fancy other men, or other women. They might be scared of telling their parents and family in case they are angry or upset with them. They might be scared of telling people in the day centre or club in case they are asked to leave. They might be scared of telling their friends in case their friends don't like them any more. Image: a boy thinking, "what will people think? Will they hate me?" PAGE SEVEN Problems for staff Some workers don't feel comfortable talking to people about same-sex relationships. They might not know enough. They don't learn about it when they train to be a worker. Some workers are scared that if they talk to people about same-sex relationships they might get into trouble. Their manager might say they are encouraging people. Workers are sometimes scared that the people they care about will get hurt or treated badly - so they are not keen for them to explore or take risks. Image: a girl thinking, "what will they say?" So what does this mean for someone who wants a same-sex relationship? People with learning disabilities want to have relationships, just like everyone else. But many people with learning disabilities who want same-sex relationships are not about to find someone to have a relationship with. There are just too many difficulties. Image: a man thinking, "it's too hard!" Many people will never even be able to talk to anyone about it. Image: a girl thinking, "I'll never find anyone!" PAGE EIGHT THINGS THAT MIGHT HELP These are things which people thought might make things better: More power People with learning disabilities should have their rights respected. They should have more power and control over their lives. They should have more choices. Image: group of people holding a placard which says, "equal rights". They should have more opportunities to get out and about and meet people. They should be able to explore things and take risks. They should be supported to do this safely. Information - being able to talk honestly with staff and others - having a list of organisations that may help (with access details) - books with pictures to show what a same-sex relationship is - information on tape and in pictures and symbols - telephone helpline - posters - website with information - sex education which includes same-sex relationships and safer sex Image: Gay Switchboard information display and leaflets Access - transport to get to places (without being judged by the people who go with them) - accessible buildings - own income to get out and about - privacy for phoning and meetings Images: wheelchair user going up a ramp, telephone PAGE NINE People who can help Image: two girls holding hands - good advocate with good knowledge - befriender - knowing other gay people to share experiences - counsellors who understand the needs of people with learning disabilities and sexuality issues - help to be more confident and learn about relationships - groups for people with learning disabilities who want same-sex relationships. Image: a group of people having coffee with their arms round each other What organisations can do Image: two people looking at a list of rules pinned on a wall Organisations should support staff to work with people who want same-sex relationships. They should have good policies on sexuality. They should support staff to talk about sex and relationships with people. They should make it a rule that people who have same-sex relationships must be treated with respect. This means that they should train their staff about same-sex relationships. They should have pictures of lesbian and gay couples, to show people that same-sex relationships are OK. Image: group of staff members having a discussion It should be OK for staff to be gay. Gay staff can be very importan to help people to understand themselves and feel good about themselves. But all staff should be doing this. Image: Able bodied person welcoming a wheelchair user into a building Lesbian and gay groups need to make sure they include and welcome people with learning disabilities. Image: group of people welcoming a wheelchair user Learning disaability groups need to make sure they include and welcome people who have same-sex relationships. PAGE TEN WHAT PEOPLE CAN DO If you want a same-sex relationship. Image: a boy with an advocate If you think you are attracted to people of the same sex, talk to someone you trust about it. Ask for an advocate if no-one else will listen properly. But you don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to. Remember that it's OK to be gay. Lots of people are gay or lesbian or bisexual - and they are happy to be this way. Think about famous people who are gay, like Will Young. Often gay people are scared about telling other people - but then find that the other people are OK about it. Image: two girls who are thinking they are glad to be gay! It's your right to have the relationships that you want with other people - as long as the other person want it too. No-one can tell you that you can't. (That means relationships with adults - it is illegal and wrong to have relationships with people under 16, if you are an adult.) Image: several people sitting round a table having a discussion. If you live in Edinburgh you can come to the Partners in Advocacy self-advocacy group for people who might want same- sex relationships. Or you can contact a lesbian, gay and bisexual organisation and talk to them. If you phone the Gay and Lesbian Switchboard on 0131 556 4049 they will listen to you, and tell you about local groups. Image: girl on the phone saying, "Can I help you?" PAGE ELEVEN If you know someone who wants a same-sex relationship Image: two girls looking at a booklet and one saying to the other, "Here are some places you can go" Listen to them with respect. Tell them it's OK to be gay. Help them to talk to someone to get support. If you hear people saying horrible things about gay people, tell them it's not OK. It hurts to be called names. Image: angry girl saying, "Don't call him a poof - it's insulting" If you are part of a group or orgnisation See if they are doing the things talked about in "What organisations can do". Think about how someone who wanted a same-sex relationship might feel talking about it in your group. Would they feel comfortable? Or would they think people might say or do hurtful things? Image: a girl asking a group of people, "How should we treat gay people?" Have a discussion in your group - maybe suggest getting a speaker along from a local lesbian and gay group. Ask the workers to put up some pictures of gay people. Image: a group of people looking at pictures of gay and lesbian couples. PAGE TWELVE How advocacy can help An advocate listens to people and helps them to think about what they want. They also support them to say what they want - and they help to make sure that the person is heard and respected. An advocate can ehlp you to think about what kind of relationships you want. An advocate can help you to contact people who might help. An advocate can stand up for you if you are having a hard time with your family or your carers because you are lesbian or gay. Image: an advocate asking a boy, "What do you want to do?" Image: an advocate saying to a girl, "I'm right here beside you!" An advocate will be on your side. They will support your right to be who you are - and to have the kind of life and relationships you want. Partners in Advocacy has a self- advocacy group in Edinburgh for people with learning disabilities who might want same-sex relationships. We also have advocates for individuals in Edinburgh, Midlothian, East Lothian, Glasgow and Dundee. Phone us on 0131 478 7723. Image: a group of people saying, "Come to Partners in Advocacy self-advocacy group!" If we can't help you - or you live somewhere else - we can give you the number of other advocacy organisations. PAGE THIRTEEN THANK YOU We got money from Communities Scotland to do this research. The Scottish Executive paid to have it printed. These people did the research: Chris Jones Margaret Petrie Vivienne Forster Keith Lynch Lisa Moffatt Emma Whitelock These people helped: Marion Antrim David Cameron Laura Lyall Ann Marriott Lisa Shine Stephanie Taylor Christopher Walker Helen Blackburn Susan Hart Will Mallinson Vijay Patel Tony Stevenson Ronnie Vallance Fiona Wallace Thank you to all of them! And to all the people who took part in the research groups: advocates, people with learning disabilities, staff members, and lesbians and gay men. Julienne Dickey from Partners in Advocacy wrote the report, with lots of help. Partners in Advocacy Unit 23 John Cotton Business Centre 10 Sunnyside, Edinburgh EH7 5RA Phone 0131 478 7723 admin@partnersinadvocacy.org.uk Registered company no. 185467 Scottish charity no. SC027857 Images from: Change picture bank PAGE FOURTEEN GUIDELINES FOR ADVOCATES Following the research, we produced the following set of guidelines for advocates. They also apply to other workers and carers. 1. DON'T PRESUME THAT EVERYONE IS HETEROSEXUAL it may make it harder for a person to talk to you if they feel attracted to someone of the same sex if you have already given the impression (however unintentionally) that relationships are always between men and women. People may experience feelings of same sex attraction but may not see themselves having an identity such as gay, bisexual, or lesbian. The person may not have the words to describe their identity or ways to understand it. As an advocate you'll build up a relationship of trust and be able to create a safe comfortable space for a person to feel able to disclose and explore their feelings. Mention different sexualities as the norm. You may never have come across a person with a learning disability who has said they may be gay - unfortunately there are lots of reasons for that - but having a learning disability isn't one of them! 2. TAKE ACCOUNT OF THE PERSON'S EXPERIENCE Someone who has a learning disability (especially someone who has lived in a large group situation) may have had negative reactions and been discouraged by staff and parents, when they have expressed an interest in someone of the same sex. The family's culture or religion may be hostile to same-sex relationships. Or they may have heard of other people having negative experiences. Even if this was a while ago someone may hold onto those negative experiences and expectations. As an advocate you could check out if their support organisation has appropriate policies on sexuality and equal opportunities. Are they accessible and have they been implemented? As an advocate you may have to challenge or support the person to challenge discriminatory attitudes and behaviours - if that's what the person wants to do. 3. THIS IS A HUMAN RIGHTS ISSUE Human rights legislation states that people have the right to have consenting and legal sexual relationships with others, regardless of gender. Be aware however of the Protection of Vulnerable Adults guidelines and the Adults with Incapacity Act - as well as age-related legislation, which applies to everyone. As an advocate you will need to weigh up the need for protection against reasonable risk. Service providers are often nervous about "allowing" people with disabilities to explore their sexuality and go to lesbian or gay venues in case they get rejected, abused or exploited - is this a reasonable justification for preventing someone from pursuing their wishes? 4. DOUBLE DISCRIMINATION AND LABELS It is common knowledge that people may still experience discrimination if they have a learning disability. Equally people who have, or want to have, same sex relationships may experience discrimination. If someone has a learning disability and experiences same sex attraction they may worry about having two negative "labels". It is useful to be aware of this double discrimination and explore how the person feels, and what their experience is. They may feel that "lesbian" or "gay" is an extra label that if unhelpful or that they don't need. Give the person positive messages that being lesbian or gay is OK - but don't impose the label on them - and respect the person's comfort level with regard to coming out. You will need to support them to understand that there could be consequences of coming out. PAGE FIFTEEN 5. SUPPORT TO DEVELOP RELATIONSHIPS When it comes to relationships, people with learning disabilities have feelings just the same as everyone else; but they may need more support to build relationships. Someone with a learning disability may not have received emotional support when they've been interested in exploring a relationship (whether same-sex or not). People may have been dismissed in the past and not taken seriously. Some people may hold on to those negative experiences. As an advocate it is important to take someone's feeling seriously even if it seems that they don't take it seriously themselves. Be aware that negative experiences in the past may affect their expectations - they may expect people to be dismissive of what they are saying. Remember that sex is only one aspect of a same-sex relationship, just as it is for heterosexual relationships. Also, it is often the case that carers get very anxious about HIV and other sexually- transmitted diseases and focus on that, to the exclusion of other aspects. People need support around safer sex, but they also need support to explore and understand their sexually generally, and support to meet people in environments where they can develop relationships if that it what they want. And remember that as an advocate working on this issue you need support yourself. 6. PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW THEY'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE Someone who has a learning disability may never have actually met a gay person (or had someone disclose this to them.) They might think that it is not something that they want to share, if they believe they are the only one. As an advocate you can reassure the person that there are lots of people who experience same sex attraction. If you are an advocate who is lesbian or gay yourself, it is up to you whether or not you want to disclose this. If you do, you may be an important role model for someone, and this can be very positive. If you are the only lesbian or gay person they have ever met they may develop an attraction for you - handle it sensitively. 7. USE THE LGBT COMMUNITY There are Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) organisations and groups with information about sexual health and ways of meeting people which should be helpful - though you might want to check out first how they would cater for the needs of people with learning disabilities. As an advocate you will need to find out how much information the person wants. Support someone with a learning disability to ask for this information in a useful format for them. You may want to support them to visit an LGBT organisation - or even a bar or club. You will need to decide what is appropriate in your role as advocate - can you help them to develop connections to others who might go with them? 8. WHAT ABOUT YOUR OWN ATTITUDES? As an advocate you might want to explore your own attitudes around sexuality and gather more information on this subject. There are many LGBT organisations which could give you information. you can ask your advocacy organisation - or any other organisation - for training in this area. You may need to recommend to your advocacy organisation that they themselves develop the expertise they need in this area. Image: partners in advocacy logo PAGE SIXTEEN Image: partners in advocacy logo Partners in Advocacy provides independent advocacy to children, young people and adults with learning disabilities and other additional support needs in Edinburgh & the Lothians, Glasgow and Dundee. Some of this advocacy is short-term, some of it is longer-term citizen advocacy, and we also have self-advocacy groups. We aim to meet the advocacy needs of people from different groups and communities. For a full version of the report on our research into learning disability and same-sex relationships, please contact: admin@partnersinadvocacy.org.uk